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Category Archives: Religion

DAY 40 SOUL FAST – TELLING

DAY 40 SOUL FAST – TELLING

I LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT

This morning as I sat quietly, God reminded me that the only reason He spared me from the perils of the world, was so that I can tell about it.  Although I was a participant, I was also a witness to suffering.Yesterday, August 21st marked the twenty – fifth anniversary of Karyn Monique White’s death. She was my road dog. We were determined to ride or die – and she did. She was shot to death when we were twenty – five years old. The last time her mother saw her alive was the day I drove her up to the family’s beautiful home nestled in the hills above what was then Cal State Hayward.  She was her parents only child. I was embarrassed to find out through conversation that her mother had worked side by side with my Dad. She was gracious to me and never spoke a word of admonition to me. The fact that she knew who my father was and what he stood for was enough to choke me up as dropped my head in shame. We visited for awhile and she unpacked all of her perfumes and other things Karyn wanted and sent her with the newly bought things she wanted her to have.

The trendy blue jean jumpsuit that Mrs. White had given Karyn was the one she chose to wear that day. That morning as the two of got into my little Fiat Spider, Karyn shared a dream she had the night before. She said that she couldn’t see my face but everything indicated that I had been shot. She said she picked me up, Karyn was 5’10” tall, and ran with me through the streets looking for a hospital, blood was everywhere. That day was unlike any I’ve experienced before or since. I had the strangest sensation. A feeling I just couldn’t shake. She asked me to take her to three different places. When she’d start to get out of the car, I’d stop her, and tell her not to go. My voice was the one, she’d always hear. I wouldn’t leave her there and for the stuff she was doing she needed me to. As it turned out at each place an ambush lay waiting for her. Night finally came., we’d been driving around all day. We ended up of all places in the parking lot of a Mortuary, waiting for someone.  The feeling that had all that day was so intense that I was spooked. We had to get out of there. I put my car in gear and sped forward. I forgot that I was parked in front of a cement parking block – all I see was the street. My car was very low and the manifold to my engine cracked as I ran over it. We made it into the traffic but my car was loud. We had to park and call for a ride. We went to a safe house. The car that was sent for us was a two seater Mercedes. I had to wait for it’s return – it never did. I never saw Karyn alive again. I had to take her belonging back to her mother, to sit with her, and answer the many questions she had. She had heard many rumors and she looked to me for the truth. I did for Karyn what I hoped someone would do for me. I discounted the truth of what I knew. Her mother was suffering enough in her grief losing her only child. I could not see how disclosing the hard facts of Karyn’s life would be beneficial – it would only cause her mother more pain. I didn’t heart to do it. If I was wrong, I’m prepared to answer for it on judgment day.

GOD USED

Until this very moment, I’ve never spoken about Karyn or what happened to her. That incident was something I stuffed deeper within me. A heavy weight on my soul that I’ve carried with me for twenty-five years. I don’t know what it’s true impact on my life has been. I don’t know why God would stir it up and have me regurgitate it now. six days before my fiftieth birthday.  What I do know is that God has used everything that I’ve gone thru for someone’s good. Somebody’s got to be a witness, to recount the story just as it was. I probably will never know who needed to hear this bit of my testimony, why they needed to hear it or how it will impact their lives. The telling helped me, my spirit feels lighter.  What comes to mind is this verse of scripture (personalized), “And I overcame him, the enemy of my soul, by the word of my testimony…” Rev. 12:11. What the enemy has tried to use throughout my life to destroy me, God has circumvented and used for the good of others and His glory. Because I stand victorious, enduring continuously until the end, somebody had been inspired, found hope, and knows that God is real!

 

 
 

DAY 37 SOUL FAST – TOLERANCE

DAY 37 SOUL FAST – TOLERANCE

Wow, everyday of this 40 Day Soul Fast I get exactly the word that I need. Tolerance is not about me condoning bad behavior, lifestyles I don’t necessarily agree with or things I think are wrong. It’s about me accepting each person’s God given right to choose what is right or wrong for themselves, believe what they want to believe and decide their own individual destiny. Everyone must choose their own path and I’ve got to be alright with that. It is not my job to fix people, only God can do that, and only if person allows Him to. My job as a human being is to love  and accept other human beings right where they are.

 

 
 

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DAY 33 SOUL FAST – CONTINUING

DAY 33 SOUL FAST – CONTINUING

VALIDATING ME

Only I can validate me, my own life and existence this side of Heaven by what I do here on earth. What I don’t want to do is leave a legacy of pain and dysfunction for my children to inherit.  I’ve come to realize that the work that I do on myself has a monumental effect on my children and everyone that I come in contact with. Walking through the fire of purification, feeling the pain of disconnecting from the attachment to this world is the only way to get to the other side – healing for my soul. I don’t know if this makes any sense…the pain that I felt putting bandaids on my deep wounds and pretending everything was all good was far more painful than the pain I feel from allowing God to heal me. Going through His healing process is a good hurt albeit painful as well. I can’t imagine believing and serving a God who didn’t have the power to deliver me and radically change my life. To me, that would be stupid. Why would I purposely set myself up for more hurt, suffering and disillusionment. I’ve had enough of that to last my whole life through.

The whole purpose of going on this 40 Day Soul Fast, was to get rid of all the residual junk in my life so that I can experience God in a deeper more profound way. I want the life that God says I can have not something that I settle for because I don’t have the guts to leap from the window of my life into the arms of God. What I want, I don’t want just for myself. I want it for my children and everybody I know. Especially, those that I’ve watched suffer for years and have been unable to tap God and break free from the things that they are held captive to. I just see existing. The depth of my relationship with God depends entirely upon me. I believe that in order to tap God, I have to aspire to be like Him. I don’t believe that I can be empowered by Him and live any way that I want to. The Book says that He is the same yesterday, today and forever more. He hasn’t changed. His word has not evolved to the point of supporting wrong living in His name.

BEING SET APART

For me the 40 Day Soul Fast is the foundation of my personal sanctification. The more time that I spend time with God through His word, the clearer the picture gets. The process of sanctification is the catalyst to Spiritual Empowerment. It is the only way to the standard of righteousness required to fulfill the call of God on my life and to leave the legacy I desire to my children. The spiritual legacy that I’ve been given has been a buffer from the world. I believe that it’s the only reason that I’m still here. I lived to testify about it, when so many that I know are gone; lost to the world in one way or another the opportunity to get it right with God gone. My children have had the opportunity to see me on both sides of the fence. They like me better on the right side I use my experiences on the wrong side as a tool to highlight the benefits of right living – righteousness. There are some things they will never do – my suffering was not in vain! Nevertheless, I can’t live their lives for them. Some things they’ll have to experience for themselves. All I can do is set the bar – it’s a high one for them to reach for. That coupled with living a good Christian life before them. Setting a standard for them to follow – to pass on to their children.  My greatest hope – my continuous prayer is that the baton will not be dropped but will continue to pass on to generation after generation – continue.

 
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Posted by on August 13, 2014 in Life, Religion, Uncategorized

 

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DAY 29 SOUL FAST – SOWING

DAY 29 SOUL FAST – SOWING

BLACK OR WHITE

My mother is very simplistic in her approach to life. The lens in which she views the world is either black or white. My mother used to always say that I would reap what I sowed. A simple phrase that reflected her displeasure and disappointment with my then life outside of the will of God. She’s not well read, so I doubt that she’s ever read this quote

Sow a thought, and you reap an act; sow an act, and you reap a habit; sow a habit and your reap a character; sow a character, and you reap a destiny” Charles Reade

MY MIND WAS AN EMPTY FIELD

When I consider Charles Reade’s words, I can look back over my life and see my successes and defeats from a different perspective. Things that I didn’t understand make perfect sense now. I now have the answers that escaped me to the “whys.” At one point in my life my mind was but an empty field. At some point, no doubt before birth the cultivation of it began. Seeds were sowed into it from various sources (mom, dad, siblings, teachers, neighbors, etc) and my thought of myself and the world around me began to take form. Those thoughts were fertilized or deprived nutrients as I grew that brought about certain behaviors. As the garden of my mind was tended and sharecropped by the educational system, some weeds were pulled, others overlooked all growing up together to produce a myriad of habits. Some of these habits stymied while others flourished creating the character that’s now present- visible for all to see.The character as long as it remains unhindered in its current state by the undesirable parts of itself that grew up along with it will walk into destiny. Now, that quite a bit of food for thought.

SOMETIMES I STRUGGLE

Sometimes, I struggle because of the seeds that have been planted in my by God and the world. Sometimes they war against each other. The challenge is continuously pulling up the world’s weeds i.e.,  it’s ideology, habits, etc.;and nurturing, watering the seed of the word that is planted deep within me that has had to struggle to survive amidst the tares.

 
 

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DAY 28 SOUL FAST-POTENTIAL

DAY 28 SOUL FAST-POTENTIAL

Potential is the segue between where I am and where God wants me to be. A continuum to my destination. In other words more consistent, intentional action is required of me until arrive. I don’t believe that happenstance will deliver me to destiny’s door. If that were true I would have already arrived. Nor would I have to spend the countless hours each week that I do preparing myself for the new. The Book says it best, “…I do not account of myself to have laid hold; but one thing I do: Forgetting the things which are behind and stretching forward to the things which are before, I pursue toward the goal for the prize to which God in Christ Jesus has called me upward.” Philippians 3:13-14. And the mission for today, continues…

 

 

 

 
 

DAY 27 SOUL FAST – LEGISLATING

DAY 27 SOUL FAST – LEGISLATING

I AM WHO GOD SAYS I AM

Over these past many weeks of this 40 Day Soul Fast, one of my biggest challenges has been believing the God who I believe; and believing who I am in Him. Believing who I am beyond intellect, on a heart level – in my soul. The revelation – the epiphany for me was that until I believed that I am who God says I am, at my core that I would never possess the spiritual power to do what God says I can do through Christ. Understanding this regulates my fundamental ability to legislate as an heir to the Kingdom of God. To declare and decree with authority. When I got it, it made me truly realize that my words that I speak have tremendous power and are the catalyst to destiny as long as they are spoken from a pure heart, intent and motive. Declaring the word of God in line with His will over my life, my loved ones and situations to bring manifestation of His plan and/or to bring about change in the world. God meant for the power of His word in my mouth to extend beyond me.

RESPONSIBILITY

Now here’s the hard part – where the struggle takes place for me –  R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y for that! It’s all mine. How far I evolve in Christ, is directly connected to me being responsible for my own existence as a Spiritual being. It’s one thing to understand who I am but it’s quite another to walk in it. To walk in the right shoes on a daily basis. To put on the Melba God has destined me to be; not the one He found on the side of the road.  First of all it has meant placing a value on it. It has to have meaning to me. I protect that which I value most. I’m reminded of this verse in the Book, “Do not give that which is holy (the sacred thing) to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before hogs, lest they trample upon them with their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:6 AMP. How many times has that happened to me? My relationship with God is sacred – holy. I don’t have to justify it but I must treasure it. It’s complex enough understanding all the dynamics myself. It’s not necessary for me to hold it up for scrutiny, ridicule or examination. In fact it’s the measuring tool by which everything else in my life should be evaluated and set in order. Perhaps the larger issue for me is being fully responsible for the truth of my life that it reveals. Being set apart to God and for the work of the Kingdom is the highest honor I can attain, when I put everything in perspective. So why is it that I’ve made this journey called life harder than it needed to be?

 
 

AND GOD SAID LET THERE BE GUMBO…

AND GOD SAID LET THERE BE GUMBO…

Had a wonderful day, with family and friends at a beautiful beach. It was great getting away after an exhausting move and a short, but long week. I was walking along the shore, the light from the sun hitting the waves just right, and to my absolute surprise, I say a crab surfing atop the waves as the tide went out. Without even giving it a second thought, I ran in after him and snatched him up with my bare hands. He looked too good and was too close to let get away. He looks like Gumbo to me! 🙂 I’m still just a Southern girl who just happened to be born in California. It really doesn’t take a whole lot for me. It’s always the simple, uncomplicated things that I find the most pleasure in. I took this crab as God’s gift to me today, for which I am most appreciative.

 

 

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