22 Jul



In relationships the thing that I’ve always wanted more than anything was the freedom to be just me without pretense, without masks, with no agenda, without having to play mind games, with no power struggles, or without having to guard my heart. Just the freedom to be the real me – my authentic self. At least the one that I’ve known me to be at the time. What I found that at least for most of the people that I’ve encountered throughout my life is that the naked truth sends most people screaming from the building. Despite the fact that most have told me that all they want is to be safely held in the warmth of intimacy – vulnerability that is birthed through genuine connectivity of heart and mind. I’ve learned to give people as much of the truth as they can handle. As much of me as they have the capacity to receive for fear of rejection. 


on any level, rejection hurts. Even when the person who rejected me – didn’t belong in my life. Sometimes, I felt that was better in a sense than me walking away and leaving a door open for me to come back through. A door that should have never been opened in the first place. Me not knowing who I truly am has allowed access to my life by the gateway of fear and insecurities to persons who were bound to hurt me. What rejection by other flawed human beings has taught me was that the person that I was wasn’t okay. The worse feeling in the world for me was the many years that I went through life being uncomfortable in my own skin, yet being unable to escape who I was. Everywhere I went, there was me. I became an expert at burning bridges between me and people to the ground. Putting up unscalable walls, gulfs that were impassable to avoid what I wanted most – relationship. So how could I possibly believe that a perfect, holy God could love and want a relationship with someone as flawed and imperfect as me?  Self rejection is rejecting the me that God created me to be. Rejecting the essence of Him that He breathed into me at my conception. I looked at myself from the outside in. Always feeing that my relationship with God was contingent on something superficial, something that I had to get or be and bring to Him to be accepted, to belong, to be loved. I’d hear sermon after sermon proclaiming His infinite, unconditional love but never could quite believe it. His love as the love of many I’ve sought was elusive. 


When life and circumstances brought me to the end of myself. When I found myself emptied of all that I thought mattered, I met Him. At a place so far from who I thought I was, when I had nothing left but me – I experienced God’s love in a rudimentary way. As old as I was, I was a baby all over again. As I grew under His watchful care and nurturing, I began to develop spiritually through His word. As I continue to mature and what I’ve come to the keen realization of on this process is the only way to go forward in Him is to come into agreement with who He says I am. That’s essential to Kingdom success. If I have no clue who I am or at best a vague understanding of my identity in Christ, how could I possibly walk into or fulfill my divine destiny? My identity must mirror His perception of me. To take off the old and put on the new, I found it necessary to find scripture that defines me, personalize it on index cards and affirm it often. Speak it out of my mouth, so that I can hear it with my own ears. What helped me a great deal was a set of audio cds that I found at the library early on in The 40 Day Soul Fast by Beth Moore entitled “Believing God.” I listened to them as I was doing housework and stuff. In them she shares of her struggles with her relationship with God. It sounded oh to familiar. What stumped me was when she asked “Do you believe the God you profess to believe?” As  I pondered on it. I came to the realization that if truly believed God, then certain things about my life would be different. The problem of my lack of or limited spiritual empowerment was not on His end, but on mine. I spent more time in the last few month learning Algebra than I did with studying the Bible and learning of God. I began to actively encourage myself with the word of God. In response, God has moved mountains on my behalf and has blessed me in short order beyond what I could have ever envisioned in my finite thinking. On my morning prayer walks, I began saying this affirmation, ” I BELIEVE that God is who He says He is. He can do what He says He can do. God’s word is alive and active in me. I BELIEVE that I am who God says I am. I can do what God says I can do. Nothing is impossible to me because I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me!” 

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Posted by on July 22, 2014 in Uncategorized


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