One of my earliest memories from childhood seared into my mind is the picture of me standing on our front porch. I was looking into the distance, through the open stucco keyhole window, incessantly biting my fingernails. I still remember the overwhelming feeling of heaviness. It was as if I had the whole world on my shoulders. A burden too heavy for a four year old little girl to carry. I have carried mine along with the burdens of others all thru life. Unloading few, adding more. Burdens that spoke to my worth and value as a human being. Pushing and pulling them along. I’ve always attracted people with horrific childhood tragedies and dysfunctional lives. People that I never shrank from, because I understood what it’s like to be rejected and feel unloved. I had compassion, feeling compelled to help in any way I could. There were others that I wished, I had the good sense to have run from. My heart was in the right place. My intentions good; but perhaps my underlying motive was not quite right. Focusing on someone else relieved me of the responsibility to do the work on myself that was needed.
Inside of the well maintained yards and well-kept homes that I knew growing up, there was some sort of trouble. It may not always be obvious or of the same sort, but all families have issues. Children intuitively know when something is not quite right on the home front. It manifests itself in many different forms that sometimes even resembles normalcy. I was an over achiever. At the root of that was the need for acceptance, belonging and love. As I grew into womanhood my mouth may have said, “I can do all things thru Christ that strengthens me” but in actuality I was self-directed, fueled and motivated. I didn’t know what depending on someone especially a God I couldn’t see was supposed to look like. I felt it would make me weak. That I needed to pull my own weight. Once I felt like I understood what God’s vision was, I put Him in the back seat while I drove. I’d let Him know when I needed Him. After all, He had a lot more important things on His mind ruling the Universe. I wasn’t going to bother Him with trivial stuff that I can handle. I got this! I never realized that my life and what I was going through was not a little thing to God. I drove hard and fast thru life for thousands of miles and many a year without a meaningful check-in with God. Occasionally, I’d check the rear view mirror to make sure He was alright. He was still there, a little quiet though. I thought everything was all good.
I’ve always been hard headed. Sometimes I haven’t seen what was right in front of me. I may have heard Him trying to say something, but didn’t realize that He was talking to me. So God has used extremes to get my attention, sit me down – to remind me that I am not in control. Regardless of how self-sufficient I thought I was. The only time that I would REST in the Lord was when He made me. Proving to me that He’s more powerful than I am, and can body slam me to the ground whenever He wants to. During the last major retooling session; God leveled me out in two weeks. My position was eliminated without notice. I lost all my money in investments. The love of my life left me. My car got hit. My children wouldn’t talk to me. Two of my teeth fell out so I couldn’t even pretend that everything was okay. He took away my smile. I had no choice but to bring my burdens to Him because I had lost the wherewithal to deal with anything on my own. When I came to the end of myself, it was finally okay to cry. It was such a relief to just let go and throw myself into the Father’s arms. It’s been during these times; when I’ve been at my weakest points in life, that God has proved Himself strong in my behalf. As things are coming up, I don’t try and manage them myself. Even the littlest things I put under His care. Sometimes, I don’t do it right away. When I start to feel any unrest or uncomfortableness in my spirit, I know that I’m carrying something that not mine it’s His. Today, Lord, I can comfortably rest in you knowing for sure that You got me!