Today the integrity of my journey to living a life of authenticity comes into question as I’m running to keep up with the business of my day. The day that I’m DIRECTING instead of God. What I’ve actually done is squeeze this process of discovering a deeper relationship with God into my existing schedule. It’s not working. As I go forth with the readings that require me to look within myself for the answers; I find myself rereading the chapters several times and pondering extensively what is coming up for me. This process is requiring way more time than the hour I had initially allocated to it. I thought the journey would be a relatively simple one, but it’s not. I don’t know what I was thinking. Perhaps because this is the first spiritual process that I’ve been engaged in that has required me to look beyond the superficiality of myself. I just can’t put a band aide on the lifetime of hurt and pain that I’ve carried with me over the span of almost five decades. This isn’t minor day surgery where the procedure will be done with a topical anesthetic and I’ll be discharged the same day. This is a full blown major operation. I knew going in that there would have to be some amputations. Now that I’m opened up the procedure is going to be more in-depth a bit more complicated. I didn’t expect to need a heart transplant, dialysis, and I’m not quite sure what else at this point. Not to mention the recovery period after the operation.
Now’s the time when I have to ask myself some questions. Do I really want God’s best plan for myself or am I okay here? Do I want to live with my Spiritual cancer or do I want healing for my soul? Am I willing to transform into the person that God wants me to be not knowing what that’ll look like? Am I willing to leave all my old baggage behind and put on the new clothes that God will give me? Can I continue to accept mediocrity and complacency as my portion instead of excellence and exceptionalism in my Christian journey?
The terrain is getting rough on Day 9. I’m now looking up at that mountain within me that I’ve refused to climb, and haven’t been able to get around. I have no choice but to deal. I have to now admit that there are some things in my life that have been overwhelming. They are way too big for me to fight successfully on my own. The only way that they can be eradicated from my life and I can truly be free is giving them to a God that’s big enough to do for me, what I cannot do for myself. That’s difficult for me. I want to be in control. There’s a problem with that. It can be only one way or the other. Either I’m in control or God is. Coming to this realization puts me face to face with my trust issues. I have to stand back and trust God. Trusting God means surrendering my will to His and allowing Him to direct my life knowing that He will not do anything to hurt me. It doesn’t mean that it’ll always feel good. Nor does it mean that I’ll always understand His decisions. What it does mean is that I will one day reach my goal of living a rich, bountiful life of Spiritual authenticity that I so desperately need.